Escape

 

 

Episode 2
Scene 1

The Cakes

 

 

 

 

 

Harriet

May I make an announcement Michael?

 

 

Michael

Oh God! You’re not leaving us
are you?

 

 

Harriet

No,no, you won’t get rid of me that easily. Today is my BIRTHDAY

 

 

Fraser

Are you sure that you want to celebrate at your age?

 

 

Kim

Leave her alone Fraser – you are such a chauvanist

 

 

Andy

What’s one of them?

 

 

Kim

You’re too young to know

 

 

Andy

Yeh, a mere puppy lapping up the milk of your
wisdom. I’ll agree that Fraser is ‘one of them’ and let it lie.

 

 

Fraser

Yes – it IS a lie. I am straight as a die.

Camp

 

 

Chuckles all round

 

 

 

 

 

 

Andy

I rest my case!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Michael

Well Harriet, lets ignore the office banter and get
straight to the point – I think that it must be cream cakes all round.

 

 

Harriet

Well, if you insist, you certainly need fattening up

 

 

 

 

 

 

Michael

Cheeky girl!

 

 

Harriet

Thank you for the girlie part!

 

 

Fraser

That was my line!

 

 

Kim

Shall I pop down to Shepherd’s market and get the
cakes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Harriet

That’s very kind of you Kim!

 

 

Andy

I know why you’re going

In childish rhyme

 

Michael

And why is that Andrew, asked Michael inquisitively.

 

 

Andy

The Kinks!

 

 

Kim

What?

Insulted

 

Andy

You must have heard that Ray and Dave have taken
that flat over the newsagents.

 

 

Fraser

HAVE they? Didn’t they do that Lola song?

 

 

Andy

Yes
they did didn’t they? …(sings) Lola, L o l a Lola, Lololalola…der
der der der der der. Fraser, Fr a ser
Fraser, Fra Fra Fra fraser

 

 

Fraser

Very funny my little poochikins.
Harriet, just to feed the imaginings of our canine colleague here….could I
borrow a dress and some heels. I’d like to drag myself off to the market and
tooter around showing off my short fat hairy legs.

Flustered

 

Harriet

Back-biting again. Its no
good you know, no good at all.

Stock phrase of H

 

Kim

The thought of it! I’ll go….if
I do happen to bump into the Kinky brothers I’ll let them know about the
Italian special offers

Shuddering

 

Andy

Too late – they already bought the toe and the boot-heel

 

 

Fraser

Yes, they’re working their way up!

 

 

Harriet

Before you get to ‘Neeples
boys – can I take your cake orders?

 

 

Andy

Definitely chocolate éclair for me

 

 

Michael

A cream doughnut, no chocolate éclair sounds good,
no…cream doughnut.

 

 

Fraser

Do they do cream horns?

 

 

Kim

I’ll ask – if not what about a nice coconut slice?

 

 

Fraser

Good, good, or a nice Dundee cake to remind me of
home. Make sure its got nuts on top.

 

 

Andy

Does there have to be a long debate about nuts? I’m
starving here!

 

 

Harriet

Stop bickering boys! I’ll have a rum baba and cream please
Kim. Off you poodle….

 

 

Kim

Shall I ask the others?

 

 

Harriet

Would that be wise? Mr K
might object. We know he hates to get the office messy. Discretion!

 

 

Andy

Not to mention the extra cost….

 

 

Harriet

Back-biting again. Its no
good you know, no good at all.

Hands on hips, crossly

 

Andy

Only kidding Harriet, only kidding…Happy birthday
Harriet, you don’t look a day over…(realizes he’s in
a pickle)….

 

 

Fraser

45?

 

 

Harriet

Impudent Monkey!

Hits him playfully with a rolled up brochure

 

Kim

I’ll get the cakes then!

laughing

 

Andy

Watch out for Dirty and Randy….half
way up the leg by now!

 

 

 

All laugh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Escape

 

 

Episode 2 Scene 2

The wait

 

 

Filling-in scene like the potters wheel, or London to Brighton rail journey.
Characters shown in ‘suspended animation’ various poses, doing things
‘offstage’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Half an hour later, Kim returns with the cakes

 

 

 

 

 

 

Escape

 

 

Episode 2
Scene 3

Herr Kloch

 

Kim

Sorry it took so long, queue in the bakers, they are
so slow in there!

 

 

Andy

(winking) I thought that you’d gone via Italy

 

 

Kim

No such luck!

 

 

Harriet

Come on, let’s get those cakes out of the boxes

 

 

 

Hands cakes out

 

 

Harriet

Here we are everybody!

 

 

All

(holding cakes aloft) Happy birthday Harriet!

 

 

Harriet

Thank you, thank you all, too kind, too kind.

 

 

Fraser

…and God bless all who sail in her!

 

 

 

Harriet elbows Fraser playfully

 

 

 

They perch on desks eating gluttonously. Cream and
stickiness is spilt over documents, surfaces, etc

 

 

 

Enter Mr K and Lionel

 

 

Mr
Kloch

Vot is ocurrinink here?…Zer is crème and sticky thingies all over the places. Zis is not the Ramp and Kloch
that I vos expectink.
L…make a note

 

 

Lionel

Yes
Mr K

 

 

 

…all are embarassed

 

 

Michael

I am truly sorry Mr Kloch, sir.

Kloch is pronounced with an additional stress on the ch… a guttural sound… indicates subservience to Mr K

 

Mr
Kloch

Zer are to be no excusesinks for zis! YOU (to Michael). In my office! NOW!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Escape

 

 

Episode 2 Scene 4

A state secret

 

 

Mr
K’s office

 

 

Mr
Kloch

(to Michael) Vait outside
please!

 

 

 

Michael exits

 

 

Mr
Kloch

L…just reminder me. Who iz
that stick-man outside?

 

 

Lionel

(looks through his notes…at some length…finally) It
is Mr Michael Eversage, Mr K

 

 

Mr
Kloch

Strange name…he iz zee
office manager javol?

 

 

Lionel

Yes
mein herr.

 

 

Mr
Kloch

(thinking with a menacing look on his face) (slowly)

K…O.. Sit next to me L
behind ze desk. Zat schweinhund
can stand and face us!

COME!

Bond villain

 

 

Nothing happens

 

 

Mr
Kloch

(louder) COME!

 

 

 

Still nothing happens

 

 

Mr
Kloch

L, bring in the prisoner.

 

 

Lionel

Yes
mein Herr

 

 

 

Lionel ushers Michael in, he starts to sit down,
Lionel gestures for him to stand up

 

 

Mr
Kloch

Did I say that you could sit down?

 

 

Michael

Sorry Mr Kloch sir

 

 

Mr
Kloch

Now Mr Michael Stickman vot haff you to say for
yourself?

 

 

Michael

I am so sorry Mr Kloch, I’ll
make sure that the papers make a full recovery. It is Harriet’s birthday and
she insisted on bringing cream cakes….

 

 

Mr
Kloch

Are you aware of ze orders against zees behaviourinks? Ven did you last read zee RK manual?

 

 

Michael

I cannot recall Mr Kloch

 

 

Mr
Kloch

(hits the table forcefully) zat
is not good enough!

Your sack is being filled young man. If zis does not change, zat sack vill be on you back and you vill
be on zee road to Mandalay.

(chuckles at his own joke, others look uncertainly,
then laugh)

(to Michael) vy do you
laugh? Read him zee book L.

 

 

Lionel

(officially – clears throat) RK Manual, page 231,
edict KI250968… The consumption of any items containing cream, jam, or
similar substances is never to be tolerated on RK premises. Penalties to be decided
and applied locally, and to be of any degree of severity.

 

 

Mr
Kloch

(menacingly) Ahso..?

 

 

Michael

(to himself) ‘this could be painful’

(tries to shift blame)

Oh dear, I do hope that you won’t be too severe on
Harriet. It is her birthday, so perhaps you might let her off with a light
spanking?

 

 

Mr
Kloch

You jelly spine Judas!

 

 

Michael

(deliberately misunderstanding the insult)

Thank you Mr Kloch, I’ll explain things to her. Shall I go and fetch
her?

 

 

Mr
Kloch

(exasperated – begins to be tempted)

Mmm…how old is she, anyway?

 

 

Michael

I believe that to be a state secret Sir. I am not
aware of the number that you require!

 

 

Mr
Kloch

L ?
Can you tell me?

 

 

Lionel

(looks at his notes….at length….finally…)

Her date of birth seems to have been…..redacted….on the orders of…

(turns papers over…)

Princess Maureen and the Duchess of Ross and
Cromarty

 

 

Mr
Kloch

(amazed, impressed)

Fantastisch !

 

 

Lionel

Classy!

 

 

 

Michael

(Prince Charles-like )

Extraordinary! …Can I go now?

 

 

Mr
Kloch

Not yet! Tell the staff that I have decided to
contain their eatering tendencies.

 

 

Michael

Pardon me?

 

 

 

Mr
Kloch

There vill be a tea
trolley service und non-cremmy non-jammy food stuffings are
served. 1040 und 1510 promtly. Understood!

 

 

 

Michael

Yes
Mr Kloch sir, very
prompt, very convenient. Swiss Rail….Swiss
Roll….without cream…no jam….traffic jam….jam….luck…good luck….good fuck…

Reverie

 

Mr
Kloch

Look at him L. He is off on his bonkeries
again…

 

 

Lionel

Just give him a moment Mr
K

 

 

Mr
Kloch

Make a note L. Und create an official edict for zee
tea trolley thingy…und so weiter…..

 

 

Lionel

Yes
Mr K mein Herr

 

 

 

K and L leave

 

 

 

Michael

(suddenly coming awake)

Fish and chips!

 

 

 

 

M looks around Mr K’s
empty office, puzzled, wonders why he is in there alone. Shrugs shoulders and
leaves.

 

 

 

 

Escape

 

 

Episode 2
Scene 5

Princess
Maureen

 

 

Princess M has ‘slipped in’ past Michael, to see
Harriet secretly, by-passing the normal procedures.

 

 

 

Initial scene to be PM tiptoeing past Michael, who
is slumped asleep or in a reverie.

Michael stirs sniffing the air, and then slumps back
again.

 

 

 

 

M in dark glasses and headscarf. Looking like Audrey
Hepburn gone to seed.

Smoking nervously and profusely

 

Princess Maureen

Harriet, please be a dear and
book me one of those dreadful places in Hastings for next weekend. Usual
thing you know Mr and Mrs
Bows.

Discretion. Solitude.  Just need to get some juices flowing. It is
so dry in that palace…. away from mummy’s drinks annexe
that is.

 

 

Harriet

I’d be delighted ‘Margo’. May I ask who is the lucky gentleman this time?

 

 

Princess Maureen

Honestly Harriet, dearest, I expected better from
you. But…if you MUST know

Whispers in ear

 

Harriet

Well, I love their music…. I’m sure that you will
have a lovely weekend.

I’ll see what I’ve got for you… Do you want slightly
faded, seedy, shabby, or just plain dirty?

Looks shocked

 

Princess Maureen

The filthier the better, I’m in that sort of a mood.

 

 

Harriet

Right-e-o, I’ll send you the details. I’ve found
just the place for you overlooking the net sheds. Simple fisher folk to keep
you amused.

 

 

Princess Maureen

Jolly good, I can hardly wait.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Escape

 

 

Episode 2
Scene 6

Queen Mummy

 

 

 

Later On

 

 

 

Queen Mummy barges in drunk and rambling

 

Michael

Madam, madam! Can I assist you?

(QM ignores him, and goes through into the office)

(Michael winds up a phone)

Tim and Jim – are you there? Tim, Jim, Code 3
violation, Code 3 violation, bovine alert at HQ….

(Puts phone down and dons protective headgear – an
old-fashioned white scooter helmet)

Closes his door and looks out fearfully.

 

 

Queen Mummy

I say…I say, I…….

Has my little girl been in here?

All stand up, bow and curtsy, bow and curtsy, Angus
does both.

 

Harriet

Ma’am, I am sworn to secrecy…..

 

 

Queen Mummy

So, YOU are that Harlot that is leading my poor rose
into the cabbage patch….

 

 

Harriet

No, HARRIET Ma’am.

 

 

Queen Mummy

Well, HARLOT, tell me what my little petal has been
planning. Please be…HIC..(takes a breath)…be
quick…the Greek (stupid girls!- muttered under her breath)…is waiting in the
car outside. He gets his bockers in a twist if he has to wait on those yellow line thingammys
for too long.

 

 

Harriet

Well Ma’am, I’m sworn to uphold the travel agent
oath…..

 

 

Queen Mummy

I’ll give you oaths you harlot bleeding oaf. I’ve
got friends you know…HIC…relatives…HIC…Blood relatives in very high, highest,
highness places.

 

 

Kim

She’s going very red. Are you all right your
majesty?

 

 

Queen Mummy

I can’t breathe! It’s so closed in here. How can you
people bear it?

Go out to  the Greek. Tell him to bring in the
gin.

It’s the fish bones. They get caught in my throat. A
gin gargle usually dissolves them.

 

 

Andy

I’ve been learning first aid, your majesty. I could
give you the ‘High Rick’ procedure.

 

 

Queen Mummy

Well, young man, what does that entail?

Looking Andy up and down.

Hiccups, chokes.

Andy

I stand behind you and thrust your torso until you
spit it out. It is usually very effective I hear, but I’ve not done it
before.

 

 

Queen Mummy

CANCEL THE GIN!

Gleefully

 

 

 

 

 

Escape

 

 

Episode 2
Scene 7

The Greek

 

 

 

Fifteen minutes later

 

The Greek

Is this the place?

 

 

Michael

I’m sorry sir, which place are you searching for?

 

 

The Greek

Bloody hell man, I’ll get a ticket if you fart
around like this. Has One’s Mummy-in-law been here?

(looks at his helmet) Are you one of ours?

 

 

Michael

Just a moment sir… Would someone raise an E534
please?

Speaking on intercom

 

The Greek

E534? What are you talking about man? Don’t you recognise me? Jesus Christ!

 

 

Michael

That’s alright my Lord…just stay calm….nobody is going to crucify you this time.

Very slowly

 

The Greek

Who said anything about crucifixion? I thought it
was a £5 fine, or banned from driving at the max. When was this brought in?

 That bloody
Heath. He’s a maniac. Grammar school boy. Not right in the head! I preferred
that Northern chappie

 

 

Michael

This is a bespoke travel agents
for discerning travellers. I think you should have
turned left at the junction of Piccadilly and Park Lane.

 

 

The Greek

Look pleb features. Tell
me where Queen Mummy has got to.

 

 

Michael

……Harold Wilson…..pipes….smoking
a pipe…..a lovely bit or rough shag…. In the park…..Buckingham
Palace…. Fuck in the palace.

Goes into a reverie

 

The Greek

You
complete moron. How dare you fantasise about royal
copulation. I’ll have you sent to Bermuda. You can govern the place. Its been done before you know. Slow death by boredom. You
deserve it!

 

 

Michael

…Fish and chips….

 

Certainly sir. I’ll take you through to see one of
our travel advisers.

Wakes up abruptly

 

The Greek

What, what? Oh never mind!
Lead on MacDuff!

 

 

Escape

 

 

Episode 2
Scene 8

A state
secret

 

Michael

This gentleman wants to get away from it all and go
somewhere…..(thinks to
himself)….somewhere….distinctive. Just sort him out Fraser.

 

 

Fraser

I would be absolutely delighted to.

Others (2 girls) realise
who the Greek is, get up and curtsy in exaggerated fashion.

 

Michael

Harriet and Kim! Thank you – at last some
recognition for your line manager, but just a simple ‘Good Day Mr Evesage Sir’ would suffice!

 

 

The Greek

Prat!

 

 

Fraser

How can I help you Mr Papadopolopopaloussis?

 

 

Harriet

It’s the Duke of Scotland.

Whispering

 

Fraser

Ah… Waal hoo ken ae fettle
ye, my Liege?

 

 

The Greek

Where’s your kilt and sporran man? What tartan are
you?

Sarcastically.

 

Fraser

This Scottish thing – I can’t keep it up. I’m too
far south.

Camp

 

The Greek

This place is like Grace Brothers with knobs on.
Where’s Mrs Slocombe for
God’s sake!

 

 

 

 

Queen Mummy and Andy enter. Dishevelled.

 

Queen Mummy

Andrew, I am so grateful for your fine attention to
detail. You are very thorough, so young. Those strong thrusts really did the
trick.

Regally

 

Andy

Thank you your Majesty. I
needed the practice.

 

 

The Greek

Mummy? In-law? In-flagrante-in-law?

What sort of an establishment is this?

Shocked

 

Kim

Actually, it is an upmarket travel boutique for superior personages of
exceptional quality.

Coldly

 

The Greek

Huh! I think you mean it’s a hang-out for poofters
and randy gigolos who take advantage of lonely elderly ladies.

 

 

Queen Mummy

You’re the only sad old lady here, Philipopolos. Why don’t you lighten up a bit? Give us a
cuddle my little pippikins!

 

 

The Greek

I told you not to do that in front of witnesses!
Galloping gourmets! The chariot!

 

 

 

 

Enter traffic warden

 

Traffic Warden

Afternoon all! I’m hinquiring
about the ownership status of the cherry red Lotus motor veh-hical.
Registration number…..let me see….where’s my pad….oh
yes….ME 2..that was formerly parked outside or in the near vicinity of these
Office premises or miscellaneous etceteras.

 

 

 

 

The Greek

That’s my car you bumbling
idiot. What have you done?

 

 

Traffic Warden

Its bad news I’m afraid sir, would you like to sit
down?

 

 

The Greek

I am sitting down.

 

 

Fraser

He’s eight feet tall you know, you can’t tell from
the television.

 

 

The Greek

Oh no – not crucifixion please. Mummy,
don’t let them do it. I’m too tall. That’s it- I’m too tall. My feet will
dangle on the ground. There’s no point. It will be a logistical nightmare.

 

 

Queen Mummy

Don’t worry pippikins.
Have a word with E. She will sort it out for you.

 

 

The Greek

That’s what I’m worried about. What with that Heath-
grinning Cheshire Cat Grammar School boy and her simmering resentment.
They’re bound to think up some demonic torture for me.

 

 

Traffic Warden

I hate to interrupt, but I do have my h’rounds to complete. Your car has been towed away to its
place of hexecution. There it will be hung from its
rear wheels until it has rusted.

Coughs

 

The Greek

Oh God! That’s terrible. It should have been me!

 

 

Queen Mummy

Proposing a toast. May its soul rust in peace!

Hoists a bottle of gin from beneath her skirts.

 

 

 

All rise up and drink to
the car. Chink glasses and a party atmosphere takes hold

 

 

 

Re-enter Princess Maureen

 

Princess Maureen

Hello everybody. Well the gang’s all here. Can
anybody play?

 

 

All

YES!

 

 

Kim

Yes indeed…..RK where we
transport you to magical places. If you have laughed with us and enjoyed our
little scamperings please tune in next time to
observe our new caperings.

 

Dear viewer, if you have been baffled (and I
wouldn’t be surprised if that is the case) then please give us another try.
It may get better, and you will regret it if you miss the most hilarious
sitcom ever.

 

Thank you and good night!

 

 

To camera, calmly and warmly like Bing Crosby at
Christmas.

 

 

 

Wild canned applause

 

 

 

 

 

 

END OF EPISODE TWO

 

 

 

 

Look out for episode three  –

Eric and the Tea Trolley

Coming Soon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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