chrisgold in the night

 

 

It is 3am. A burglar is walking along with a wheely bin full of loot.

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There is a man standing on a street corner

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Man    Hi!

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Burglar   Hi!

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Man         How are things?

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Burglar     Don’t ask, you haven’t seen me

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Man      And you haven’t seen me either. Are you interested in some cheap coke?

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Burglar   Sorry mate. I can’t do that stuff anymore. I’ve got responsibilities. I’m settling down.

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Man                 Come on mate. It’ll take your mind off things.

I’ll tell you what, I’ll give you a seven days free trial.

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Burglar              Can I cancel at any time?

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Man            Of course you can….Just fill in this direct debit form. Let’s say £19.99 a month. You get seven days free, then cancel any time within your statutory rights.
You can’t go wrong…

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Burglar     I don’t know….I don’t want to get hooked again…I’ve got responsibilities…
It’s a nightmare ! All five of my girlfriends have got themselves pregnant. They all need looking after…

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Man                   Is that why you’re out on night work?

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Burglar             Ten mouths to feed…I’m out every night filling up wheelies with loot….It’s constant…No sort of life…

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Man              What’ve you got? Laptops, Alexas..?

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Burglar        Nah..Patty, milk, persimmons, Pimms, artisan bread…It’s all students round here. Rich pickings. They don’t even know they’ve been done

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Man      Yeah, me as well. That’s why I’m here. They’ll all be back from town soon. Too pissed to realise what they’re signing up to.
I sell them the stuff as sherbet fountains. Don’t even know or care what they’re taking.

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Burglar                     I’ve seen them – dead drunk

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Man              That’s right – some of them do get deaded. I ave to make meself scarce for a few days, while mummy and daddy sort out their poor little dead darlings

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Burglar    Poofters! Soft as shite!

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Man            It soon blows over though and I’m back to feeding the drunken snorters

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Burglar     Talking of feeding the snorters, I’ve got to take this lot over to girlfriend number one. I’ll try and do another four loads tonight

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Man     You work hard you poor old sod

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Burglar I’ll get some kip during the day I hope

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Man          I’ve got some pills to help you there mate. Are you sure I can’t sign you up. I’m cheaper than the internet – and it keeps your weight down

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Burglar    Nah, as you can see I’m already getting a lot of exercise. I want to keep to a healthy lifestyle

……Burglar moves on past Man ………

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Man   Hey mate!

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Burglar         What?

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Man             We’re like shits that pass in the night!

……..Both laugh loudly ……….
Burglar               Shush – we’ll wake the neighbours!

 

 

 

 

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