RADIO OFFICER. Hello, you’re through to the police crime department. How can I help you?
HAPPY. Hello, yes, I’d like to report a murder. Please help us.
RADIO OFFICER. Can you tell me your name and location please sir.
HAPPY. Yes, yes, I’m Happy, at home.
RADIO OFFICER. I’m not that concerned how you feel, sir. Can I have your name, please and your exact location?
HAPPY. My name is Happy and I live in a tiny cottage in the forest.
RADIO OFFICER. Thank you. What’s the nature of your call? Can you tell me who has died?
HAPPY. Snow White.
RADIO OFFICER. No, not nature, sir, the nature of your, oh, never mind. What’s the name of the person who has died?
HAPPY. Snow White, the most beautiful girl in the world.
RADIO OFFICER. And her surname, sir?
HAPPY. Er….. White?
RADIO OFFICER. There are officers on their way, sir, but can you give me some more details please? How did she die, Happy?
HAPPY. She was poisoned by her step mother.
RADIO OFFICER. Did she try to eat her?
HAPPY. No, no, her step mother gave her something to eat that’s killed her.
RADIO OFFICER. (Aside) Is she that bad a cook? (To Happy). And what relation are you to Snow White, sir?
HAPPY. She lives with us.
RADIO OFFICER. Us? Who else lives with you?
HAPPY. Six other little men.
RADIO OFFICER. (Slowly and deliberately) So, let me get this straight. There’s seven of you and Ms White.
HAPPY. Yes, Ma’am
RADIO OFFICER. In a tiny cottage.
HAPPY. Yes, Ma’am
RADIO OFFICER. Unrelated.
HAPPY. Yes, Ma’am
RADIO OFFICER. And her step mother fed her something.
RADIO OFFICER. That’s killed her.
HAPPY. (Sadly) Yes.
RADIO OFFICER. So Happy, you sound sad.
HAPPY. (Crossly) Why are you happy that I’m sad? Do you think I did it or something?
RADIO OFFCER. (Apologetic and conciliatory). No, no, that would be a dopey thing to say. I’m just trying to establish the facts.
HAPPY. (Confused). Dopey would never say anything like that.
RADIO OFFICER. (Confused). Who’s Dopey?
HAPPY. Dopey is one of my friends.
RADIO OFFICER. And does Dopey live with you?
RADIO Officer. Can I speak to Dopey?
HAPPY. You can try. Here he is.
RADIO OFFICER. We are investigating a possible homicide. Can I ask you about Snow White’s step mother? Happy says she’s tried to kill her, do you know why, Dopey?
DOPEY. Ugh, because she didn’t the die the first three times she tried it.
RADIO OFFICER. In the tiny cottage?
DOPEY. Only twice before, the first time she got her huntsman to do it but he couldn’t and, and, he let her go and pretended but her step mother found out and, and…
RADIO OFFICER. Slow down, sir. So the first time she had an accomplice. And now you’re saying she’s murdered your friend at the third attempt.
DOPEY. Er, I think they call it third time lucky.
RADIO OFFICER (On the radio to colleagues This is control, we’re looking at a 502 and a 406 and possibly a 741. I repeat that’s aiding and abetting, murder, attempted murder, modern slavery and crimes against nature. Say again? No detective, it just don’t feel right. Please investigate. Please assist on a APB. And call an ambulance.
RADIO OFFICER. Did Snow White have insurance sir?
DOPEY. Dur, yes. She was going to marry a prince.
RADIO OFFICER. (Sarcastically). How was she going to do that Dopey? Are any of you princes?
DOPEY. Dur, Nope.
RADIO OFFICER (Realising that Dopey is not much help). Thank you, Dopey. Can you put Happy back on the phone?
RADIO OFFICER. Happy, Dopey says Snow White’s step mother tried to kill her before.
HAPPY. Yes, that’s right. She’s always at it.
RADIO OFFICER. Are you not able to protect her?
HAPPY. We do our best, but we can’t be with her all the time. We have things to do, places to go, songs to sing. We warn her not to talk to anyone when we are not there.
RADIO OFFICER. (Suspicious) So you are telling me she is not allowed to talk to anyone but you?
HAPPY. It’s for her own good.
RADIO OFFICER. But she’s dead, Happy.
HAPPY. I wouldn’t say she’s happy. In fact, I’d say she’s silent.
RADIO OFFICER. (Questioningly). Dopey says she was going to marry a prince. If she couldn’t talk to anyone the only way she would be able to do that is if one of you were princes but Dopey says that none of you are. Is that right, Happy?
HAPPY. (Sniffing back tears). We all love Snow White. We did our best for her. (Sniffing back tears). We work long hours, we, we…
RADIO OFFICER. Come now, don’t be bashful.
HAPPY. (Confused). I could never be Bashful, we are too unalike. We work very hard down the mine every day, it’s not very princely.
RADIO OFFICER. That must make you very tired doing a job as hard as that. What does Snow White do when you are feeling Sleepy?
HAPPY. (Offended) How dare you, madam.
RADIO OFFICER. Tell me what are you mining for?
RADIO OFFICER. And who are you working for?
HAPPY. D’yu know, I don’t know. We just turn up every day and mine. Four of us mine, Sleepy takes the diamonds to Doc who grades then then Dopey throws away the ones that are rubbish.
RADIO OFFICER. (Becoming suspicious) Can I speak to Doc?
DOC. Good afternoon. How can I help you?
RADIO OFFICER. (Perplexed). How can I help you!
DOC. That’s what I’ve just asked you. You can’t answer a question with a question.
RADIO OFFICER. You rang us for help.
DOC. No I didn’t.
RADIO OFFICER. Yes, you did, I took a call 18 minutes ago.
DOC. Ah! That was Happy.
RADIO OFFICER. (Exasperated). Yes, can I ask you about Snow White?
DOC. Yes, what do you want to know?
RADIO OFFICER. Is she dead?
DOC. Do you want me to make sure?
RADIO OFFICER. Yes, please.
DOC. Ok, but if she’s not then you are asking me to commit a crime.
RADIO OFFICER. I don’t mean to make sure she’d dead, just to make sure she’s not still alive.
DOC. That’s the same thing.
RADIO OFFICER. (More exasperated). There will be a paramedic there soon and they can help Snow White recover, if they can. Meanwhile, whilst you check on Snow White, can I have a word with Sleepy?
DOC. He’s very tired and emotional just now.
RADIO OFFICER. It’s a bit early to be drinking isn’t it?
DOC. He’s not drinking, he’s just tired and emotional.
SLEEPY. (Yawning). Hi. How can I help you?
RADIO OFFICER. How can I help you!
SLEEPY. That’s what I’ve just asked you. You can’t answer a question with a question.
RADIO OFFICER. You rang us for help.
SLEEPY. No I didn’t.
RADIO OFFICER. Yes, you did, I took a call 22 minutes ago.
SLEEPY. Ah! That must have been Happy. I was asleep then.
RADIO OFFICER. (Exasperated). Yes, can I ask you about your work down the mine? You take the diamonds to Doc?
SLEEPY. Yes Ma’m.
RADIO OFFICER. Do you know what happens after that?
SLEEPY. Yes Ma’am.
RADIO OFFICER. Would you care to tell me?
SLEEPY. Yes Ma’am
RADIO OFFICER. Go on, then.
SLEEPY. Well, it’s quite a long way from the mine to Doc’s office with a heavy load on my back so I get quite tired.
RADIO OFFICER. So?
SLEEPY. I have a little lie down in the office next to Docs.
RADIO OFFICER. Who is usually in that office?
RADIO OFFICER. How dare you call an officer, dopey?
SLEEPY. Is your name dopey too? I didn’t realise that, Officer. What a coincidence.
RADIO OFFICER. I’m warning you!
SLEEPY. What for?
RADIO OFFICER. For calling me dopey.
SLEEPY. But you said that was your name.
RADIO OFFICER. No, I didn’t.
SLEEPY. Yes, you did. You said you had the same name as my friend, Dopey.
RADIO OFFICER. There you go again.
SLEEPY. No, my friend is called Dopey.
RADIO OFFICER. Oh, I see. And he uses the office next to Doc?
SLEEPY. Yes, Ma’am.
RADIO OFFICER. And what does he do, Sleepy?
SLEEPY. His is not a very nice job, really. Doc gives him the rubbish and he has to get rid of it.
RADIO OFFICER. What rubbish is this?
SLEEPY. The rocks that don’t make the grade. He says they don’t deserve to be called diamonds because they are so inferior.
RADIO OFFICER. Do you know where he takes the rubbish diamonds, Sleepy?
SLEEPY. No. As I said, I get quite tired from my duties and Dopey is ever so kind to me.
RADIO OFFICER. In what way is he kind, Sleepy?
SLEEPY. Well, he always has a special hot chocolate waiting for me and he tip-toes around so as not to wake me when I fall asleep.
RADIO OFFICER. And when you wake up, everything is tidy and rubbish free?
SLEEPY. Yes, he’s very good like that.
RADIO OFFICER. You’ve been very helpful, Sleepy. Could you put Dopey on the phone again?
SLEEPY. I’m afraid he’s gone out.
RADIO OFFICER. Gone out? But I just talked to him.
SLEEPY. He left straight after you spoke to him.
RADIO OFFICER. Did he say where he was going?
SLEEPY. No, I knew he’d gone because I heard his car start up.
RADIO OFFICER. He has a car? In the forest? What kind of a car?
SLEEPY. Oh, he does like his car. He calls it the bin lorry. He’s not very bright you know and we know we shouldn’t but he does make us laugh sometimes.
RADIO OFFICER. What’s the car like, Sleepy?
SLEEPY. I’m not very good on cars. I don’t think it’s a very good one. It’s yellow (like Noddy’s) with a loud exhaust. I keep telling him he should get that fixed.
RADIO OFFICER. What make is it?
SLEEPY. Lumbo? Lambo? Lambour?
RADIO OFFICER. (Interrupting). Lamborghini?
SLEEPY. That’s it!
RADIO OFFICER. Did you see which way he went?
SLEEPY. No, but he took his knapsack with him.
RADIO OFFICER. Thanks Sleepy. I’ll let you go now. You must be very tired. I want to talk to the Doc, urgently!
SLEEPY. Are you feeling unwell?
DOC. Give me the phone Sleepy. Go and have a lie down!
RADIO OFFICER. (On the radio to colleagues). Look out for a small dwarf in a posh car – possible diamond thief. Repeat, possible felon. Stop and search.
Doc – Can you tell me more about your work in the mine? Happy says you grade the diamonds.
DOC. Yes, Ma’m.
RADIO OFFICER. Oh really? Where is Snow White now, Doc?
DOC. We’ve put her in a glass box. We like to look at her.
(Meanwhile, at the forest, the police and the ambulance arrive by helicopter shortly after the rest of the dwarves).
POLICE OFFICER: Hup, hup, hup, take your positions men.
SERGEANT. (Standard American accent). But we are outnumbered sir, they’re seven of them.
POLICE OFFICER. If you look, sergeant, they are no match for us, look how small they are.
SERGEANT Small, sir? I thought they were just a long way away.
POLICE OFFICER. Idiot, look they are very young, they’re all wearing beanie hats.
SERGEANT. Young, sir?
POLICE OFFICER. Yes, young, what’s the matter with you?
SERGEANT. They just look so old. They’ve got long white beards.
POLICE OFFICER. (Through a loudhailer:) Step away from the body, let the paramedic through.
(To the paramedic:) What do you think, Harry?
PARAMEDIC. She’s beautiful.
POLICE OFFICER. But is she dead?
PARAMEDIC. Let me have a look. (He takes Snow White gently in his arms and kisses her passionately).
SERGEANT. (Sniggers:) I’ve never seen CPR done like that before Harry.
PARAMEDIC. (Coming up for air) It is a Royal Family traditional method. Never fails!
SNOW WHITE. (Coughing:) That kiss must have dislodged the poisoned apple from my throat and now I am saved. Oh, hello, you’re a nice looking man.
PARAMEDIC. I happen to be a prince, will you marry me?