chrisgold the west wind

The West Wind

Spider, Carl, and Steve are in Spain

It is September 12th

They are planning on having a
barbecue on the beach

They have invited three German girls
to meet them


SPIDER

Come on you reprobates! Let’s get this
party started.

 

CARL

We’ll be lucky if those girls show up.
They didn’t seem very keen

 

STEVE

You’re joking
aren’t you? That Gabby was gagging for it I would say (looks dreamily)

 

CARL

There he goes again. How long have you
been out here?

 

SPIDER

Come on! Get some wood. Look, there’s
a dry tree over there. Tear off some dead branches.

 

STEVE

I got here on the second of May

 

CARL

So….you’ve
outstayed your visa.

 

STEVE

Don’t tell anyone! I’ve got stuck.
Seduced.

 

CARL

It’s easily done, you
dirty old sod!

 

STEVE

It’s not all about having sex you
know. It’s the place. The Mediterranean. You must have noticed the water. How
magnificent is that. The light makes it look like crystal. Look at the
spirits dancing together on the waves.

 

CARL

(mockingly)
Yes! And palaces in the clouds, and
towers with flowers….You’ve told us before…

 

SPIDER

And don’t forget the soft breezes
blowing to cool the sultry late evenings…

 

STEVE

I don’t remember saying that!

 

SPIDER

Come  on lads! Let’s get a fire going…

 

CARL

They’ll never come. I don’t know why
we’re bothering.

 

STEVE

If they come, they’ll come

 

CARL

The wind is getting up.

 

SPIDER

Great, that’ll help get the fire
started

 

STEVE

Did we bring any petrol?

 

SPIDER

(annoyed) WE? I (emphasised)

Went over to the  petrol pump and filled up the
thermos.

 

CARL

Hey! I just had some of that with my
coke. I thought it was a bit rough.

 

STEVE

No wonder you’re brain dead.

 

SPIDER

He’s only dead from the neck up and
the waist down!

 

CARL

I shall ignore that remark.

Bloody hell! The wind really is
getting up. Look at those leaves blowing across the beach.

 
 

STEVE

That looks great! Isn’t it strange how
you can’t see the wind, but the leaves seem to run away from an unseen enemy.

 

SPIDER

We can use them on the bonfire…if you
two can be bothered to get up off your arses!

 

STEVE

The trees are beautiful here….look at the colours of the leaves….yellow, black, red…

 

CARL

That wind is getting hectic. The
German girls won’t venture forth in this.

 

STEVE

(wistfully)
It’s the end of the summer.

 

SPIDER

OK lads….Let’s
have one last celebration. Just the three of us. A big bonfire, kebabs, roast
spuds, and loads of cheap shampoo to wash it down with. OK?

 

STEVE

Si senor

 

CARL

Let’s go for it

 

They
all start to collect wood and leaves

 

 

SPIDER

Hey, help me break this branch off.

 

All
three put their full weight on the branch until it cracks.

They
tumble over into the sand and laugh out loud

 

 

CARL

This isn’t enough for a decent fire!
Look, there’s an old upturned boat with holes in it. Why don’t we put
everything in that and set fire to it?

 

STEVE

(rubbing
his hands)
Yeah, it’ll be like a
Viking funeral. But it might belong to somebody..

 

SPIDER

Don’t be a tosser.
It’s abandoned. Let’s burn it.

 

CARL

Drag it over there, it’s more
sheltered from the wind.

 

STEVE

Yes, it’s blowing from the West I
think.

 

They
move the boat

 

 

SPIDER

Shit! There’s someone asleep under it.
Sorry Pal! Sorry!

 

They
move away

 

 

CARL

He was well away. He didn’t even stir.

 

SPIDER

It looked like Lesley.

 

STEVE

Do you mean Hairy Lesley? He sailed
off to go to Italy didn’t he? Are you sure?

 

SPIDER

I think so. Go over and check. Maybe
he’s been sleeping rough.

 

CARL

Let’s all creep over.

 

They
nervously approach in silence

 

 

SPIDER

(whispers)
It’s definitely
him
.

 

CARL

He doesn’t look very well

 

STEVE

I’m worried. (shakes him) Les, Lesley, Hairy Les!

 

SPIDER

Bloody Hell! He’s dead
isn’t he?

 

CARL

Try giving him the kiss of life.

 

STEVE

Put him in the recovery position.

 

CARL

What’s the recovery  position? I’ve never tried it
before.

 

STEVE

Turn him on his side.

 

All
three haul him over on to his side. As they turn him they see a writhing mass
of maggots under him

 

 

SPIDER

Erm….gentlemen…I think that he is
definitely dead…given the profusion of wildlife here.

 

STEVE

What are we going to do Spider? We
were probably the last ones to see him alive. We could get done for
manslaughter.

 

CARL

Or Moider.
We could end up in a Spanish jail being tortured by men with funny helmets…

 

SPIDER

(decisively)
Get the fire started!

 

STEVE

We can’t ignore him. We need to report
this to the authorities.

 

CARL

You just want an extended stay don’t you?

 

SPIDER

You’ll get done for overstaying your
visa

 

STEVE

I didn’t think of that

 

SPIDER

We’ll need some more petrol. We’re
going to have to cremate him.

 

STEVE

It’s our only choice.

 

CARL

He would have wanted it.

 

They
work furiously to build a big funeral pyre…then set it alight

 

 

SPIDER

(toasts
Lesley with cheap champagne)
To Hairy Les…he lived life to the full, a
great friend and fellow carouser

 

CARL

(raising
his glass)
Here’s to a great guy

 

STEVE

It’s not November the Fifth already is
it?

 

All
three burst into laughter, relieving the tension

 

 

SPIDER

He certainly makes a good fire

 

CARL

The wind is really
up
now

 

STEVE

Look at those ashes and sparks flying
off into the night sky. They seem to be spreading his spirit off into the
blackness…

 

SPIDER

We better all go home tomorrow

 

CARL

Yes, it’s definitely
the
end of the summer

 

STEVE

I’m going to get a job over the
winter. Buckle down and earn some money for next year.

 

CARL

I’ll do the same

 

SPIDER

Let’s meet up again here next spring

 

ALL THREE

(chinking
glasses)
Until next spring….

 

Sound
of chink of glasses is replaced by crackling of wood on the pyre and we see
ashes, sparks, and leaves being carried away on the west wind

 

 

 

This Post Has One Comment

  1. A classic tale. They don’t teach you that at school!

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