Why Spider?

Spider, Carl, and Steve are sitting together in a featureless space

Nothing much is happening

STEVE

Why are you called Spider, Spider?

 

SPIDER

It’s only one Spider!

 

CARL

(singing,
to tune of Guantanamera)
One Spider Spider, there’s
only one Spider, Spider…etc

 

STEVE

Seriously, why are you called Spider, Spider

 

CARL

Spider Spider !

 

SPIDER

Ok, it goes back to when I was ten.

 I was a tall lanky kid, and I was always put
in goal at football

 

(dreamily)
My Dad was keen on football, but he
was so old-fashioned. He made me wear an old man’s cap, long baggy black
shorts and a black wooly jersey that was too big
for me.

With his training I got quite good in
goal. He said I could be the next Ted Ditchball….  or some name like that.

With my long arms and legs I used to make lots of ‘limb lunges’ to save a goal.

I must have looked like a big black
spider.

Ergo….Spider

 

CARL

Well, I thought it  would be more interesting than that!

 

SPIDER

Sorry…that’s the way it is….I did play for the Schools County Team, and had a trial
for Spurs…

They turned me down on fashion
grounds.

 

STEVE

I don’t believe it!

 

SPIDER

It’s true! ….They
said that my cap didn’t go with their new corporate image strategy….and I
couldn’t disappoint my Dad could I?

 

CARL

What a stupid story. I thought it
could have been a more original….I thought that you
might have got stuck in the bath, and had to be rescued by the fire brigade.

 

STEVE

…or had a bad fly-eating addiction!

 

SPIDER

Very funny, very funny….but what about you Carl, what is the origin of your
moniker?

 

CARL

(resentfully) My Mum.

 

STEVE

Go on!

 

CARL

(reluctantly)
Ok then…she was obsessed by this
singer called Carl Wayne. Apparently he was the lead
singer in a successful pop group, but was kicked out for being too ordinary.

 

SPIDER

(sniggers)

 

CARL

Well, my Mum was obsessively ordinary.
That was the only extraordinary thing about her. She was determined to be as
normal as possible.

 

STEVE

Sounds just like my parents….simple folk

 

CARL

She was proper outraged. The most
imaginative thing she could think of was to take her revenge on the world by
calling her first born ….Carl.

 

SPIDER

Or ‘Carl the Avenger’ as your Mum
might have it!

 

CARL

(stridently
mocking outrage)
Yes…I will Avenge!

 

STEVE

Watch out Roy Wood, Carl is on your
case.

 

SPIDER

It might have been worse, you might
have been called Wayne….

 

CARL

(embarrassed) Hmm…that’s my middle name

 

SPIDER

Right…John Wayne…tough guy…Roy Wood
doesn’t stand a chance does he.

 

CARL

And Steve…what about you?

 

STEVE

It’s short for Steven.

 

CARL

Is that with a V or a PH?

 

STEVE

I don’t really mind. I interchange it.

 

SPIDER

How fascinating…you are so lucky to
have such an interesting name… There’s me, stuck with Spider….while you have two names that you can choose from…

 

STEVE

So….what’s
your real name Spider?

 

SPIDER

I forget….

 

CARL

A likely story…Vivian?

 

STEVE

Cedric?

 

SPIDER

(going
into an intense reverie)
Shut up!
I’m Spider! Get out! Get out! We need to get up the pitch and put the
opposition under pressure.

Press up! Press up!

 

CARL

There he goes again!

 

SPIDER

(spreads
himself menacingly)

 

STEVE

I’m getting out of here

 

CARL

Wait for me!

 

Exit
pursued by a Spider

 

 

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